Back to blogging

Back to blogging

I can’t believe it’s been almost 3 years since I wrote something … after taking some time off from stressful days at work, suddenly I’m blogging away. Too many sleepless nights I guess … or maybe I just have a lot to say these days.

A lot of people have asked me lately why I’m still single, why I’m not married, why I’m not worried about it, blah, blah, blah and etc. Well, my response is simple. I’m not worried about it. Me being with a partner doesn’t make me, me. My happiness does not depend on whether I am married or not. My life is rich and full already, I am already happy. I know that at some point in our lives we all ask ourselves if we are destined to be “alone”. Well, I feel the answer is no. We all secretly yearn for that one person we can share our lives with. Someone we can experience the world with. Someone we can open our hearts to and love freely.

Flip side: “Our only relationship is with ourselves and God – every other relationship stems from there.” I constantly remind myself of these words regularly. They strike a chord deep within me that resonate through my entire being. “I am never alone” is what I find myself saying. Ironically, I find myself believing this too.

There is an entire Universe out there and I am just insignificant part of it. Yet, I am never alone … I sure ain’t gonna let it … because I’ve got my circle of influence, my circle of interests, and my circle of family and friends. Each of us carving out our own path in life. I look at it this way: I am surrounded and filled by the energy of others. Love, Joy, Laughter. My family and friends radiate this energy (especially when I need it) and I gladly and gratefully receive it. In turn I’m passing it along to some unsuspecting soul in whatever positive form it may take.

This giving and receiving is what connects us. Thus, we are never alone.

Yes, I am single but someday that will change … it will! … In the meantime – I’m happy and I’m in love … with life itself.

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Musings …

In the case of love, maybe I want it too bad. I idealize romantic love and make it about the shit that doesn’t really matter, or saddle up with the wrong people. I can’t begin to understand choosing properly because I haven’t been able to choose properly so far. I’ve come close and learned how to love more. But, my love is a bit lost because love doesn’t encourage commitment in others the way I think it might. It doesn’t inspire all that I hope.

Real partnership requires a lot of integrity and can mean making some very tough decisions and changes in our lives … but I also think, that … that can bring about more pride than most other areas of life .… Being single sometimes, makes me feel like it’s hopeless.  And while I do know that you have to be happy with yourself to be happy with someone else … it also begs the question, how long can also you possibly be happy with yourself when sometimes you feel like you have no one?

Oh, if love were enough …

Sigh ….

The way he is … and why I’m content

I was often asked before by those close to me, “Why I am not officially together with this special guy friend of mine whom I hang out with for more than usual … Is this a conscious choice to stay out of relationships?”

In the past I would usually answer, with an “I dunno” or “he’s not that into me romantically” … but now, if I get to be asked again, my answer would be quite simple … “He’s not ready”.

Lately, after a few heart to heart conversations with him and some personal contemplation, I’ve come to realize that … at this point in his life, he is just happy with the ways things are.

I feel that for him … he sees that being in a relationship with someone, does not allow him to be who he is … because maybe it forces him to make sacrifices he feels he cannot make at this point in his life.

Unfair? I guess. But not in a way some people may think.

I’ve come to appreciate that he chose to put others’ feelings first or their needs in front of his own to allow him to protect potential partners from a world that is often very chaotic, unorganized, tiresome and sometimes lonely. So in all actuality, I feel that he’s also just being fair … and honest and caring in his own way.

He is being his own person.

And when he’s ready for more … I hope to know it … and hope in my heart I’m still here … waiting.

Until then, I am quite content in the world we have created for ourselves … enjoying each other’s company … keeping our friendship strong … and being there for each other.

I hope this brings some light to those of you who have wondered why he is the way he is, and why I’m quite content with that.

A simple gesture of coin was all I needed

Tonight as I lay here in my bed, blogging away … I am left to wonder, what you were really thinking the other day, when I suddenly poured out my heart (again) about needing you … and when you couldn’t reach out  to me, I became incensed and was rapidly out of my element.

Maybe it came to you so unexpectedly … not anticipating that kind of negativity from me … what if any, did you feel? … Did my fit of temper offend you? … What went through your mind? … Did you think of me as foolish or silly?

While I do admit that I may have overreacted over what seemed to be a trivial matter and blew it completely out of proportion … I have to say, it also gave me a huge relief, knowing how much I can just open up myself to you, however raw or flawed I can be. Because despite my fits, you remained calm and steady through it all.

It just validates more at how much I can turn to you even at my most vulnerable.  Such effort provided me with the kind of refuge that even at my lowest; I know you will still be there to understand me.  

And as I sit here, smiling like crazy over a P10 coin I have on my hand which you playfully asked me to find … I feel your warmth surround me … such feelings of connection that for now, I just cannot explain. 

You reached out to me thru a simple gesture of coin and nothing else was needed. That was just right … I loved it!!!!

I can only imagine how this must sound to someone reading this, but you understand … I know you do (even in silence), because you seem to know what buttons to push with me and when.

This thing we share is a mystery, one I may never solve, at least in this lifetime (maybe?!). Still, it is what I may seem to really want … all that I need (at least for now?!) … here being thankful for whatever you give me and whatever brought you to me … today and everyday.

Grateful

I’m going through that yearly ritual, you know the one you do every year on your birthday, where you think – how you aren’t where you expected to be by this point in your life …

Some people who know me best, know that I went through a lot in this past year … more like a roller-coaster of a ride, but this is not to say though, that there weren’t any positives along the way … because in the past year I have managed to also make new friendships while also building closer relationships with those already in my life … friends that I am grateful to have in my life, friends that I can’t live without.  And now, I just wanted to take the time and say thank you to those of you who have made such a difference in my life. 

First ones I want to thank is my family who is my inspiration, my backbone, my life! The past year has had its ups and downs, but having you guys there with me through it all (the good and the bad) … all the more made the journeys that much easier for me to live through  … I love all of you and I am happy that you guys are such a big part of my life.

Mayen & Cathy … you are the two best friends a girl could ask for, you have been there to wipe away the tears and make me smile when I was sad. You listened to me when I needed to vent and offered me encouragement and advice when I needed it … even if I didn’t always want it. Lol!!! You guys kept me strong when I was too weak to do it on my own and I could never thank you enough for all of it. I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH!!!

Dude … you always made me look at the brighter side of things … being the ever-always optimist that you are … Thank you as well for all the easy conversations, meaningful and hearty advices, the pleasure of your good company when I needed to unwind and when I just want it simple … most of all, thank you for always making me smile when days seemed to have failed me.

Rea … you and your kids have become my extended family … you are my role model of what a real strong woman is … I know I can always depend on you to listen and offer me help whenever I needed it … I am so happy and grateful that you came into my life.

Ana, Edith, Mark & Sir Joel … Please know that life in adidas would not be as fulfilling without you guys supporting me, and pushing me to do better. I know that God has put you all in my life for a reason. I know that sometimes I am not the most pleasant person to be around. That I let the little things bother me. I let what other people say affect my mood and that I am sometimes unbearable. Thanks for being there … “lifting me” whenever I needed it. It all means a great deal to me.

So as I sit here and think about the last 36 years … it may not be exactly where I expected I would be … but for anything or everything else that this so-called life has given me, I wouldn’t change one thing about it. I am lucky to have so many people that love and care about me and that I can love and care about in return. For that, I couldn’t ask for anything more…

Well nothing maybe for now at least (hehehe!!!) … here’s to remaining hopeful and grateful.

Cheers!

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY

Can Men and Women be friends?

HARRY SAYS: “Men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way” …

I SAY: I’m one of those people that believes, platonic love exists.

What if “you know you love someone and enjoy them as a person, but not enough to date or marry them. What does this mean?”

MOVING ON

I feel like I am so very stationary these days … I just go to work, come home, or even work at home … that’s about all I seem to be doing these days. Not much else in between there. No socializing, no parties, no trips.

For a while I thought maybe I had a few irons in the pot, so to speak … felt a little spark here and there, and maybe even an old flame coming back in me but the more that I thought about it the more I realized that I would rather tread down my own road, than try to make a path with someone. So here I am treading.

I just had this mental clarity, I needed to move on with my life and that my heart’s desire will never be who I want him to be … won’t ever be available the way I need him to be, and I cannot just hang and wait for it to happen, because it wont.

Time to move on … I just got to believe though that someday, magic will come my way again.

Highs and Lows

For my dear friend, Rea …

Life has its highs and lows, sometimes the lows are harder to endure than the highs but in the end I think that if the highs and positives are focused on, the lows fade into insignificance, I know I’m not so good at doing that myself but here’s to trying anyway.